


Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be

by thorinawesomeshield (veganerwurst)



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: ...in one body, Attempt at Humor, Bilbo would totally rock a dress, Demon AU, Demon Thorin, Demon/Human Relationships, Demonic Possession, Fluff and Crack, Gandalf Is a Little Shit, I might or might not have been a bit drunk when I wrote this, Jealous Thorin, Living Together, Lobelia is scary af, M/M, Mind Reading, Modern AU, Movie Nights, Or: Thorin thought that coming to earth would be a vacation, Possessive Behavior, Smaug the terrible - Freeform, So would Thorin, Supernatural Elements, Thorin is a big Grump, Thorin is a billion years old but actually a 12-year old, Vessel Bilbo, Well I laughed, also slight Coffee Shop AU, because I love fic cliches, because he possesses him :D, haha get it?, hinted Dwori, instead he has to deal with vessels that just won't shut up, they should teach human behaviour in demon schools, warning for a bit of swearing, well actually more like Mind sharing
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-01-03
Updated: 2016-01-03
Packaged: 2018-05-04 23:28:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5352398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/veganerwurst/pseuds/thorinawesomeshield
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <em>And there it was. The source of his never ending agony.</em>
  <br/>
  <em>/'Never ending agony'? Dramatic much, are we? If it's that bad to live in MY damn body how about YOU LEAVE?/</em>
  <br/>
  <em>Thorin didn't dignify the voice inside his head with an answer. </em>
</p><p> </p><p>All Thorin had wanted was a holiday from the hard life of a demon prince.<br/>What he gets instead is one annoying voice in his head, one crazy boss, one completely loony relative on a killing-spree, one deadly sickness, one dress that is actually a nightshirt, one cat that really is no cat at all but some kind of killer-slug, and at last the one thing he'd really never expected to get all his life.<br/>(Not that he'd expected any of the others, but... you know. Summaries and stuff. They always end like this.) (Damn I'm bad at this.) (This is exactly why I always just take quotes instead of writing something new in the summary.) (I'll stop now.) (Read this.) (It's funny.) </p><p> </p>
            </blockquote>





	Hell Ain't A Bad Place To Be

**Author's Note:**

> For Yari, because she not only endures all of my screaming about Bagginshield but actually screams back at me. You are a very lovely human being and I'm glad to be in this hell with you.
> 
>  
> 
>  **\Thorins' Thoughts\**  
>  / _Bilbos' Thoughts_ /

Thorin had thought he knew hell.

He had in fact lived there for the past three millennia.

He had seen pain and torture, indescribable punishments and hellfire, had felt the hounds of hell biting and crawling through his skin, had thought he'd caused every pain imaginable as well as perceived it himself - but nothing, _absolutely nothing,_ he'd ever experienced could compare to the amount of suffering he'd been going through ever since he'd made the terrible mistake of leaving the actual hell and instead started to live in his personal one. A personal hell by the name of Bilbo Baggins.

/ _Oh, please. It's not as if you're the one to complain here._ /

And there it was. The source of his never ending agony.

/' _Never ending agony'? Dramatic much, are we? If it's that bad to live in MY damn body how about YOU LEAVE?_ /

Thorin didn't dignify the voice inside his head with an answer.

Not that the demon would ever admit it but Bilbo actually had a point, though. It _would_ be easier to just leave this body and look for another one. A quieter one, without a constantly nagging voice in his head. But, and everyone who met the demon prince could attest to that, Thorin was nothing if not both stubborn and proud. Admitting to be defeated by something like this petty human was something that went against every fiber of his very being. No, Thorin Oakenshield, Prince of the Underworld, Slayer of the Unworthy, Master over the Hounds, and Lord of the fifth circle of hell wasn't to be cowed by the impertinence of a being so small and insignificant compared to himself! He would not back own from this challenge!

Still... It wasn't exactly _pleasant_ to body-share (as Bilbo had started to call it) with the human. Not only that the spirit of his vessel wouldn't leave, or die, or vanish in the void, or do whatever it was the consciousness of every normal person possessed by a demon was doing, _**NO**_ he also got to read Thorins' private thoughts, and because that obviously still wasn't bad enough, commented on every damned thing he did, or thought, or even just happened to see on the street that day.

The plan had been to relax for once in his life, coming to earth should have been his long overdue holiday from the hard life as a demon prince... And now instead of the dream trip his father had promised him, he was stuck here with this second hand life that had been nothing but a menace until now.

He had no idea what had gone wrong, though. All in all Bilbo had seemed to be the perfect vessel for the princes' needs: a fairly seated, if a bit boring bachelor with no close relatives left and almost no friends to speak of aside from a few acquaintances. No one would be the wiser if this man would be possessed he'd thought and then did just that.

Now though, after he'd been verbally assaulted by the man in his (not-so-much-) own head with things like:

/ _Would it kill you to actually clean this space a bit? I'd prefer not to live in a dumping ground, ta very much,/_ whenever Thorin did as much as unwrap a bonbon, or:  
/ _No don't buy these. They're gross and completely overpriced!_ / (he still bought the sweets in question and ate them all, despite their truly abyssal taste just to spite Bilbo), on every single minute of every single hours in the four miserable days since he'd taken over the body and the life of this individual it became clear that this initial choice of vessel would be his greatest regret.

He tried to keep going through his (Bilbo's) life as though he couldn't hear the annoying voice of his body's last owner, hoping that ignoring the problem would make it go away eventually.

/ _I won't, you know._ /

Thorin sighed. He just wanted to watch some Television to observe human behavior. Figuring out how to live as a man was difficult enough as it was without someone in the middle of his brain bothering him all day. Thorin suspected that Bilbo just tried to scare him off by talking as much as humanly possible. (And if it'd been any other Demon he'd succeed at it, Thorin was sure of it.)

Today Bilbo had made it his mission to try to convince him to do actual work.

/ _I meant it, you know, what I said before. I won't leave, just because you are inconvenienced by my presence. It's still my body, which you stole by the way, so if anyone of us should be leaving it's you, not me. But, seen as you probably won't leave there is absolutely no reason at all not to go to work like every other human citizen! You know, if you want to spend your life living in another ones' body it's your decision, not that I'm approving mind, but anyway some people do actually have a life and if you like it or not, me -and when I say me I mean us seen as you're the one currently in charge of my body- do actually need the money to pay for bills and food. I mean I don't know what you have planned to do here with me but I'm fairly sure you won't achieve it if you don't inhabit a well nourished vessel, or however you're calling my body. Also you want to blend in and not attract any negative attraction, don't you? Bilbo Baggins would never do such a thing as not turning up for work. I've already been gone far too long. I'll let you know that I've never taken a day off work before! ...Well alright that's not true, there were a few days three years ago... but nevertheless I've been missing for four days now, and even if I actually had two of them off that so it's two days I've not turned up. But two days without so much as an explanation, Mr. Demon! You could've at least called or, I don't know, let me have my body back so I could've turned up myself! But now without a word from me I've been missing for two days amd that is something people will notice! And I know that someone wanted to call me, don't think I haven't noticed how my mobile suddenly vanished by the way-_ /

(Seriously as if it was Thorins fault now that this strange devise would all of a sudden start to make a truly horrendous amount of noise! It was only to be expected that his instincts kicked in to destroy the possible thread.)

/ _...YOU DESTROYED IT? BECAUSE YOU WERE SCARED OF LADY GAGA??_ /

**\You named your magical devise _Lady Gaga_? Wait, did I actually kill a living being? I didn't feel any energy of a life passing when I hit it.\**

/ _No, Prince Prat! Lady Gaga is the the woman who sang my ringtone! So, wait a moment - this is why my hand is hurting so much? You were scared and decided to just, what? ...punch my mobile?_ / Bilbo sounded incredulous.

Thorin decided the best strategy to bypass the lecture that seemed to be unavoidable by now would be to pretend to watch a fly at the other side of the room and, as Bilbo seemed to be unimpressed by this, to feign a coughing fit.

/ _That was an aPhone 7! Do you have any idea how long I had to work double shifts until I could effort this?! And why didn't I know about this? I see everything you see. I've been literally the whole time just here! One would think I'd remember you destroying my priciest possession...,_ / he trailed of, just sounding defeated and hopeless now at the end of his speech instead of outraged, and Thorin actually felt a tiny wee minuscule little bit guilty when he felt the stab of emotional pain through their shared heart. Even though he was of course completely innocent and really not to blame for anything he'd done in the face of potential danger he felt the urge to say something, anything to lead Bilbo's emotions away from the sadness.

**\I think you slept at the time.\**

/ _I... slept? Even though my body - you were awake?_ /

 **\Aye, you sleep often when I'm already awake,\** these had been the only peaceful moments Thorin had since he'd arrived on earth, but that didn't seem the right thing to add just now.

/ _...you know that I can hear everything you're thinking right?_ / Bilbo sounded sour.

 **\Then maybe try not reading my thoughts.\** Thorin grinded out.

/ _Maybe you try not to break my things!_ /

**\And you try not to be so annoying!\**

/ _You could at least pretend to be sorry! You stole my body and my life and I can do nothing but watch while you destroy everything I've build up myself!_ /

Thorin was outraged. He was a demon prince who shouldn't feel _guilty_ or _sorry_ for anything!

But just as he wanted to tell Bilbo exactly that there was a noise in his head that sounded terribly like a sniffling and before he even knew that his traitorous mouth had opened on it's own accord there were words tumbling out of it that sounded oddly enough a bit like:

"Alright I'll do this _work_ and then we will buy a new _Lady Gaga_ alright?!"

This at least seemed to appease the man for now and thus protected the Demon from further emotional outbreaks for the rest of the day.

 

~*~

 

The next day came much too early for Thorins' liking, but there was nothing to it. Today he would have to do actual physical labour for the first time since the great war against heaven. And that had been a couple of thousand years ago.

Bilbo was one of four employees of _The Pony_ , a little coffee shop down the street. His boss, a man named Gandalf who was as Bilbo assured him quite sharp despite his advanced age, seemed to accept their excuse for the last two days (a sudden unexpected fever which led to a delirium in which he accidentally destroyed his phone) just fine.

Only as he passed Gandalf and moved to the counter Thorin could feel the old mans' stare pierce right trough him. Bilbo didn't notice anything, his thoughts already fixated on cakes and scones and for once not paying attention to Thorins thoughts at all.

Slowly he turned his head and met the old man eyes. Looking right at him. At _him_. Not his body, but inside it at the very core. He saw the Demon, Thorin was sure of it. He'd heard rumors about humans that were able to recognize demons at sight. Most of them were known as exorcists or demon hunters. He shuddered violently.

He had to leave. He had to leave now or risk being exorcised (something, while not being deadly to a demon of his caliber, still very painful that he'd really like to avoid if possible).

The thing was he didn't want to. Despite it all he didn't want to leave just now. He liked it _here_. He liked earth and this town and he liked human food. Liked Television and he even lik- alright he didn't _like_ Bilbo. But he liked this body and he had to admit (if only to himself) that he actually enjoyed to have someone who talked back at him for once in his life. The banter was something new, and his stay on earth the first interesting thing that happened to him in centuries.

He didn't want to leave this body.

The realization hit Thorin like a punch in the gut and he actually stumbled a few steps back.

Bilbo, who had been completely oblivious to his break-down up until now was startled by the amount of adrenalin that flooded their body and finally started to pay attention.

/ _You... you think he knows?_ /

 **\Yes,\** was all Thorin dared to think back, hoping that Bilbo would come up with a plan how to escape.

/ _Oh..._ / he was quiet for a moment.

/ _GANDALF! GANDALF HELP ME I'M POSSESED! PLEASE GANDALF I WANT MY BODY BACK! HELP ME YOU SLY OLD FOX I KNOW YOU CAN!_ /  
...Well Thorin guessed that was to be expected. Still he couldn't help to feel a bit hurt.

/ _It's nothing personal Thorin, you know that! If you'd be in another body I'm sure I could even like you a bit. Eventually. Maybe. I just don't really like to be a prisoner in my own limbs_./

**\Aye. I guess that's fair.\**

/ _Glad you think so. GANDALF!! HELP ME!_ /

Unexpectedly the man in question only lifted one eyebrow at them. "Sly old fox? Really Bilbo?"

/ _YOU HEAR ME! OH THANK GOD, GANDALF! HELP ME!_ /

 **\There is no reason at all to be this desperate... One could think I'm torturing you every day,\** Thorin commented dryly.

Gandalf though just watched them intensely before chuckling and shaking his head.

"Well that’s decided. It’ll be very good for you. And most amusing for me," he tipped his imaginary hat and left without another word, leaving two very confused beings behind.

"What," Thorin said.

/What,/ Bilbo thought.

/ _Wait, Gandalf!/_ Bilbo's thoughts turned desperate.

/ _You can't do this to me!_ / (But it seemed that he _could_ just fine. The old man had already reached the door.)

/ _I didn't mean the 'Sly old fox' bit! Alright, maybe I did but even you have to admit it's true! Come back! Gandalf!_ /

The door had already closed behind the old man's gray coat and stayed closed for the next half hour they spend just standing there, shocked by the current events. Gandalf didn't come back.

Bilbo was very quiet and very grumpy for the rest of their five hour long shift and left Thorin to his own devices to figure out how to do his job. Thankfully he only had to serve coffee to the costumers today and not operate on the imitating looking machine behind the counter because it was apparently the turn of a rather huge named Beorn to make the actual drinks today.

Thorin broke five cups and three plates, dropped two pieces of cake, brought ten costumers something they'd never ordered, and mortally offended another ten.

He was quite was proud of himself. All things considered his first day on work had turned out a lot better than he had expected.

 

~*~

 

Thorin stared at the clock on the wall. Still 3 PM. Still Thursday. Still nothing to do. Because apparently Bilbo had Thursdays off. 

He felt strange. The whole day he sat on Bilbo's couch and stared at the wall.

He could feel the man dreaming in the back of his mind, a flickering of colours, memories and emotions always in the back of his mind, and unlike when Bilbo was aware , completely unguarded. Fortunately for Bilbo who had from the very first moment built up a strong wall inside his head to protect his thoughts (and he really had to find out just how that worked, it got really annoying to never have a thought for himself) Thorin had actually zero intentions to visit the humans mind when he was dreaming. He'd tried, once in the first week. It hadn't been a very pleasant experience to say the least.

And so Thorin had spend the last hours watching day-time TV. But somehow he just couldn't continue to do it suddenly. Just as he couldn't sit still, couldn't concentrate, couldn't do anything at all. He was jittery and antsy and couldn't even keep his hands still, instead drumming his fingers on his knees. He felt something, some kind of longing but didn't know what for.

His muscles almost -kind of- hurt and his bones felt itchy and he was sure that there was something crawling under his skin. It was one of the worst feelings he had ever experienced.

Thorin didn't know what was wrong with his body. This wasn't right. Was this some sort of sickness of these fragile human bodies? Did this body die?

At this thought a pang of _something_ shot through his chest, almost like pain.

His vessel was sick. His vessel would die. And really it should have been a relief. This was the solution to his problems. He could finally get a new vessel without feeling weak or defeated by a back-speaking mind. He could get a vessel without... Bilbo.

Without Bilbo. Because Bilbo was dying. And there it was again, that pain in his chest. Without any doubt also a symptom of the sickness.

Thorin wondered how long his body would have. Months? Weeks?

...Days?

Thorin felt cold.

/ _Thorin?_ /

Shit. Now he'd woken Bilbo. What could he say? 'Sorry Bilbo, but I think I broke your body and now you're dying'? Not a very good idea.

/ _YOU WHAT?_ /

Fuck. He made sure to make a memo to himself to work on that mind wall thing.

/ _Thorin Oakenshield..._ / Thorin actually flinched at the sound of Bilbos voice.

/ _You will tell me what happened this instant or so help me!_ /

**\I- I mean- Er-\**

/ _Thorin..._ / Bilbo actually _growled_ in his head.

**\Alright. It- It started when you fell asleep, or whatever it is you do when I can feel you dreaming. Anyways I started to feel strange...\**

Thorin told Bilbo everything he'd been experiencing within the last two hours. When he was done listing all of his symptoms he waited for Bilbo to speak again. To say something. Anything. It was probably shocking for him to hear that he'd be dyi-

/ _Thorin, you big drama queen!_ /

Was Bilbo actually laughing? Why would he laugh now? Was he insane? In denial? In shock?

/ _Thorin I'm not dying! I can't believe you!/_ Definitely denial then.

/ _Thorin. Stop, alright? I am not in denial._ / Thorin had the strong feeling that Bilbo was laughing _at him_ at this point and had to fight the urge to do something resembling a pout until the meaning of what the man said caught up with him.

**\You're... not?\**

Again there was a strange feeling in his chest only this was a lot warmer and lighter this time.

/ _No, you biggot! You just got cabin fever,_ / Bilbo couldn't even think straight anymore because he was laughing so much in his head.

**\Cabin fever? Sounds like a sickness to me...\**

/ _No, you idiot. It's just called like this. You're bored. Nothing worse than that._ /

 **\Being bored can make you feel like this?\** Suddenly Thorin felt a wave of respect for the human race.

Bilbo only laughed again.

/ _Alright. Come, we're going out._ /

**\Out where?\**

/ _Why, shopping of course!_ / Bilbo sounded too gleeful. It was mildly worrying. But then again what had he got to lose? So Thorin only shrugged and got his coat.

 *

"This."

Bilbo who had been distracted by something on the other end of the room quipped up.

/ _What?_ /

"This. I want it."

/ _Thorin that's a dress!_ / he didn't sound as excited as he should have in Thorins oppinion.

**\Well, and?\**

/ _You can't wear that!_ /

**\Why ever not? It looks good!\**

/ _It's women's clothing Thorin!_ / That had to be the stupidest thing he'd ever heard.

**\What are you talking about? It's a piece of fabric. It doesn't have any gender! And we would look good in it!\**

Bilbo actually sputtered at this.

/ _...Are you saying I'm looking like a woman?_ /

**\What? No, you imbecile! I'm saying that this piece of clothing would flatter this body. Look, it's even green. Green looks good on us. And look it even got tiny flowers on it. You like flowers.\**

/ _Er- Thanks? Wait why do you think I like flowers?_ /

**\The shop owner of the flower shop across the street always gives me free flowers. He said I like them. You know the one with the facial hair.\**

/ _Oh. Er yeah._ / Bilbo coughed. / _Because of the flowers._ / Bilbo coughed twice. / _Obvious. I like flowers._ /

Thorin squinted his eyes. Suspicious.

Bilbo coughed again.

/ _Anyway. We can't wear a dress._ /

**\Why not? It looks nice. We would look good and it's half the prize Bilbo! Half the prize!\**

/ _I told you, it's not for men!_ /

"And I told you that's stupid! I want that dress!" Thorin said loudly. Suddenly it was very quiet in the shop as everyone was looking at Thorin.

He glared back at the nearest Person who stared at him while shamelessly giggling. He must have looked quite murderous because the little girl began to cry and ran away.

/ _Thorin!_ / Bilbo hissed at him.

**\What?\**

/ _Just... Can't you at least try to pretend to be normal for once?_ /

 **\Because it's normal to like certain kinds of clothes when you have a certain gender?\** Thorin all but spat back.

/ _No. Because you're talking to yourself, very loudly, in a women's clothing department in a mall, and just reduced a small girl to tears with a look. And alright, a man wanting to wear a dress with flowers on it may not be exactly normal either_ ,/ Thorin just wanted to start his rant again but Bilbo went on / _-BUT I think I see your point and giving clothes a gender really is dumb._ /

**\So, I'm allowed to buy it?\**

/ _Alright, yes fine BUT we'll only wear it at home! It'll be a... A nightshirt! Men are allowed to wear nightshirts!/_

It was ridiculous how desperately Bilbo tried to hold onto his masculinity over a a bit of clothing but Thorin wasn't to argue any further when he'd finally got what he wanted.

 

It was only much later this evening, as Thorin stood in front of the mirror and admiring his body in the 'nightshirt' when he realized that he'd never even needed Bilbo's permission to buy anything at all because he was the one being in charge in this body. But listening to the sound of Bilbo snoring in the back of his mind - and marveling how the man's consciousness was able to snore while in fact not even conscious - he had to admit to himself that it was much more satisfying to hear Bilbo grudgingly admit that the dress was actually ' _kind of nice'_ (and Thorin could have sworn that Bilbo even blushed when he told him that they looked stunning in it. Just stating the facts of course.) than it would have been to receive Bilbo's cold silence that he always directed at Thorin when he was really angry with him.

Not that Thorin didn't like it when Bilbo was silent of course. It was a blessing really. A dream come true.

Just not that angry silence. It was disturbing him with its... angriness.

Right.

Thorin decided not to think about this trying matter any longer and went to bed himself after throwing the ~~dress~~ nightshirt on the dirty pile in front of the washing machine.

What a nice ~~dress~~ nightshirt it was.

And he'd even saved half of the money it would've cost normally.

Which meant he had more money to spend on other things. He could certainly see the appeal of going shopping now.

Mentally dressing Bilbo's body in various nightshirts -sod it- _dresses_ Thorin finally fell asleep just as the sun began to rise.

 

~*~

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading this :D  
> There are going to be two more chapters I think but I've actually written a good part of it already so it shouldn't take me to long to update it for a change :D
> 
> Also: not beta'd, it's very late and I'm very tired but at this point I just want to post it so please tell me if you see any mistakes? :)


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